questioning my beliefs
January 10, 2012 by whisperinghoop
As I’ve already said, grieving is such an individual process. And a process it is. I am astonished at how much I’m still working through. I always knew when my mother passed that it would be exceptionally hard on me. I’ve never had someone so close to me die. So I’ve never grieved to this degree. Don’t laugh, but when my lovebird, Peaches, died that had been the hardest loss I had experienced. So I’m lucky, in that regard.
I really expected some sort of contact with her. After all, look at the path I’ve taken this life. But there has been nothing. Just complete emptiness. So terrible is the void that I even question my beliefs. My grief counselor at Hospice has referred me to a local minister to speak about my confusion and feelings now. How can I be a minister and now doubt everything?
Today I practiced what I preach – I sat and meditated. I never meditate the same way, I always let the method unfold as I go. Today I played a favorite cd (music) and sat in quietness. Despite Winnie’s attempts at getting me to play, or pet her, or her barking at imagined threats, I was able to quickly go to a nice space.
I quickly said a prayer for Julie, as she had to put her beloved pet down today. I asked God to wrap her and her family in comforted love, as well as her dog. I could “see” this happening, yet when I then asked God to wrap me in comfort and love, I felt isolated and alone. I have never believed in a punitive God, so I don’t think this is God’s way of shunning me because of my questioning my spirituality.
I just don’t know. and I’m very tired. Tired of not knowing things. Tired of being confused about what to do with myself/life now. I’ve made decisions that I am honoring, yet that is not where my heart is. I figure that it’s best not to make any decisions while I’m still so muttled in my mind.
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questioning my beliefs
January 10, 2012 by whisperinghoop
As I’ve already said, grieving is such an individual process. And a process it is. I am astonished at how much I’m still working through. I always knew when my mother passed that it would be exceptionally hard on me. I’ve never had someone so close to me die. So I’ve never grieved to this degree. Don’t laugh, but when my lovebird, Peaches, died that had been the hardest loss I had experienced. So I’m lucky, in that regard.
I really expected some sort of contact with her. After all, look at the path I’ve taken this life. But there has been nothing. Just complete emptiness. So terrible is the void that I even question my beliefs. My grief counselor at Hospice has referred me to a local minister to speak about my confusion and feelings now. How can I be a minister and now doubt everything?
Today I practiced what I preach – I sat and meditated. I never meditate the same way, I always let the method unfold as I go. Today I played a favorite cd (music) and sat in quietness. Despite Winnie’s attempts at getting me to play, or pet her, or her barking at imagined threats, I was able to quickly go to a nice space.
I quickly said a prayer for Julie, as she had to put her beloved pet down today. I asked God to wrap her and her family in comforted love, as well as her dog. I could “see” this happening, yet when I then asked God to wrap me in comfort and love, I felt isolated and alone. I have never believed in a punitive God, so I don’t think this is God’s way of shunning me because of my questioning my spirituality.
I just don’t know. and I’m very tired. Tired of not knowing things. Tired of being confused about what to do with myself/life now. I’ve made decisions that I am honoring, yet that is not where my heart is. I figure that it’s best not to make any decisions while I’m still so muttled in my mind.
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