I really expected some sort of contact with her. After all, look at the path I’ve taken this life. But there has been nothing. Just complete emptiness. So terrible is the void that I even question my beliefs. My grief counselor at Hospice has referred me to a local minister to speak about my confusion and feelings now. How can I be a minister and now doubt everything?

Today I practiced what I preach – I sat and meditated. I never meditate the same way, I always let the method unfold as I go. Today I played a favorite cd (music) and sat in quietness. Despite Winnie’s attempts at getting me to play, or pet her, or her barking at imagined threats, I was able to quickly go to a nice space.

I quickly said a prayer for Julie, as she had to put her beloved pet down today. I asked God to wrap her and her family in comforted love, as well as her dog.  I could “see” this happening, yet when I then asked God to wrap me in comfort and love, I felt isolated and alone. I have never believed in a punitive God, so I don’t think this is God’s way of shunning me because of my questioning my spirituality.

I just don’t know. and I’m very tired. Tired of not knowing things. Tired of being confused about what to do with myself/life now. I’ve made decisions that I am honoring, yet that is not where my heart is. I figure that it’s best not to make any decisions while I’m still so muttled in my mind.

If we look at just the number 2012 we come up with the number 5 (2+0+1+2=5). The number 5 is such a free-spirited number. The key words of Five are: risk-taking, rebellious, forward movement, progress, change, versatility, flexibility – it is the freedom lover. Let’s also take a look at the symbology of the number five: we have to acknowledge the five physical senses, we have five fingers, and it is highly steeped in many religions. The five wounds of Jesus, the book of Psalms is arranged in five books, the Torah contains five books, Muslims pray to Allah five times a day, the universe is made up of five classic elements, and in Reiki there are the 5-Precepts. I like looking at the symbology surrounding a number to help give a more-well rounded feel to its number.

So looking at this theme for 2012 we can sum it up that we can expect some dynamic changes, perhaps a little unpredictability because five represents a restless intensity which wants to express itself in some bold and impulsive ways. Definitely some surprises, and you must be willing to take risks this year. After all, it may hold some lucky breaks! I would expect an air of spirituality to the year, given the symbology stated above. Which, regardless of your personal year number, we all will enjoy a little free-spiritedness this year.

Then it told me about time before we came to live together. It told me how it was formed and created in the earth, how it actually once was the earth. For thousands, even millions of years, little pieces of our earth eroded–broken down and worn away by wind and water. These little bits of our earth were washed downstream where they settle to the bottom of the rivers, bays and oceans. Layer after layer of eroded earth deposited on top of each. These layers were pressed down more and more through time, until the bottom layers slowly turn into rock.

How, through more years than I can even begin to imagine, it endured tons of pressure. And it was this very act of endurance that it became this incredible stone.

Last month I definitely endured ‘tons of pressure’ – and stress. While I worked my way through these difficulties, I worked my way to the top. Last month I spoke of enthusiasm – and I finally realized what that word truly meant. When I felt completely overwhelmed by problems and clients complaining, I picked up my card and realized how enthusiasm could help. “With faith in a successful outcome, I naturally contribute positive energy to tasks and ideas.” I shifted my attitude from one of lost confidence and defeat to one of enthusiasm. I started envisioning successful results – and the outcome was successful. In more ways than just those projects and clients. I also had the foresight to take action and do things that will ensure I don’t have to endure that type of pressure again. And in the process of all this, I am emerging better than I was before. Kind of similar to these stones that are under our feet.

Recently I attended an expo with Shari & Michele in Baltimore. One booth we attended had a wheel we could spin to see what word it landed on. When I spun the wheel, it landed on “enthusiasm” – which quite honestly is something I’ve been low on the last couple of months. The card they gave me for my word stated: “Enthusiasm: With faith in a successful outcome, I naturally contribute positive energy to tasks and ideas.” I didn’t really think much about that until this morning – just 2-days later. I pulled out the deck of Angel Mediations here at Inner Equinox and went to shuffle the cards. Before I could even get all the cards out, one card slipped out, landing on my lap face up – it was The Angel of Enthusiasm. And I quote “Enthusiasm is a burst of inspiration that comes from God. It is the certainty that we will never meet an uninteresting person or live moments of boredom. When we allow ourselves to really live this certainty, we discover the tremendous energy that is always available to us and always supportive of every circumstance in our lives.”

Reading the little card, again like at the expo, didn’t really feel like it applied (although I fully know that it does, I’m just not getting it yet). So I went to good old Webster’s dictionary to see how they interpret the word, and their third definition is “any of various forms of extreme religious devotion, usually associated with intense emotionalism and a break with orthodoxy.”

Having lost my enthusiasm lately, and actually questioning pretty much everything in my life, I do find some comfort and even some direction with this message. “My whole being is radiant with enthusiasm.”

At the same time my sweet little Winnie is having serious problems with her back; which dachshunds are notorious for. Having two lives that I dearly love, be in such perilous condition has been extremely stressful. So quite naturally, my thoughts are heavily weighed down with pondering life. Musing about the quality of life, about my beliefs of what happens when we die, and about my spiritual beliefs.

In defusing my stress, I’ve tried to break down the different worries and tackle them individually. Doing it this way helped me to realize that one area I was having great difficulty in was in that I was gripping too tightly to control. Trying to control everything for both of these two precious souls, I was physically tightening up all my muscles literally trying to control it all.  Once I realized that I only have but so much control, I was able to let go of the fanatical grip I had. I consciously let go and I remember the feeling of some of that stress easing out of my body.  

One dream I had recently I was assuring  someone that I would take care of myself. The person in my dream intently kept asking me to promise to take care of myself, which of course I did. No matter how our higher consciousness reminds us, we do need to take care of ourselves. Pay attention to what is really going on inside of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Listen to our bodies, acknowledge the physical signs our bodies give us.  And just as importantly, act on these things. Some things don’t have a picture perfect conclusion, we may feel life has given us way more than we can handle. Find whatever gives you strength, and persevere – listen to your true inner voice.

I start by researching the insect, and I found out their true name is Crane Fly’s. They are called Mosquito Hawks for two reasons; one that people think they eat mosquitos, and two that they kind of look like a “Texas sized” mosquito. They neither eat mosquitos, nor are they in the mosquito family – they do not bite humans or are of any harm to humans at all. I read that they can harm our lawns in very large numbers because the larvae eat the roots of grass. Ok, so that’s the most damage they’ll do – personally I don’t find that of any great nuisance. 

But digging a little deeper into this creature I found out more interesting facts. Crane flies undergo complete metamorphosis in their development with a brief egg stage, a relatively long larval feeding stage, a brief pupal resting stage, and finally a short adult breeding stage. The larval stage is the only time they eat, once they are adults they no longer eat (they will drink water). As adults their only goal is to mate and lay their eggs. Once that is done, they die. That is their life. Oh, and one last note, they are very important to our ecosystem, in all their stages. They provide food for all predators in all of their life stages! Even humans use them for fishing.

Going back to what is my lesson here fromMother Nature. Well, I take a look at the big or important issues in my life and see how it fits. The biggest issue (problem) is getting our mortgages refinanced. As you may know I am working many jobs to increase our chances of getting refinanced, and this is getting harder and more exhausting. I know I cannot keep this up much longer. Well, re-reading their metamorphosis I feel I am at the adult stage. I have one goal, and I’m running on empty. I need to “mate” with a financial institute to complete and finish this problem (all started from the ponzi scheme). Hmmm. Thought provoking for sure, but I’m still not sure what my lesson is – or what she is trying to tell me.

When I first started learning the meaning of animals, it took me a while to get the bigger picture. Once again, I am learning and striving to understand more, and I will ponder this some more for sure. One thing I can count on, is that Mother Nature is patient with her teachings – me on the other hand, I’m definitely getting impatient to resolve all this!

When I take this a step further,and look at this through a spiritual lens I see there is a sense of trust and respect for each other that allows us to open up and be so free.  And shouldn’t’t life be this way, or at least our immediate community circles? In my younger years I was insanely insecure to the point of being jealous of just about every female regardless of her age. I remember what I was like back then, and those feelings.  For me it came from a place of not feeling good enough. It’s not enough to say ‘feeling inadequate’, because that doesn’t contain not good enough. As well as the aspect of feeling isolated or alone and not connected.

My journey of confidence was a slow one, and priceless nonetheless. I think it’s the same as the inner journey we seek, in that we always want to be at the end point now! We want to already know all there is to know, to feel experienced in whatever modality we like.  But in that very restless thought we prevent ourselves from experiencing this very moment of our lives. When I finally relaxed from wanting to be something else into just being was when I liked myself, felt secure, and became connected to All. Remember not to solely focus on the destination, but to enjoy the journey! Oh, and don’t forget to tap into your inner splendor, and let her/him out!

Last month I gave Animal Totem readings, and I thank those of you who came. The energy and symbolism we get from animals can help us understand aspects of ourselves, as well as giving us strength and courage association with those animals. And I love anything that helps us reconnect with ourselves and is empowering. We know that life is a journey, and this journey is what ever you make it to be. Of course there are outside “things” that can influence and change our ideals, but still as a whole, our life is creating what we want to experience. Surrounding ourselves around the people we want to be associated with, learning about subjects that interest us and speaks to our souls, and creating our own happiness in this life. It’s up to us to take control to do this. For some, this may seem elementary, and they may question isn’t everyone taking control of their life? And for others it can be difficult, scary, challenging, or completely unknown to have a good sense of self and empowerment.

I love this quote by Steve Jobs, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

This is why I love symbolism, and why I emphasize that each of us needs to go to what that “thing” means to you. Back in the 80′s I was introduced to the “Medicine Cards” (by Jamie Sams and David Carson) and did the Totem Animal spread to find my totem animals. I was so surprised by the animals that came to me. Oh, some of them were not very pretty… or cool. I thought for sure I’d get some feline animal. Nope. Well, then maybe I’d get a swan, they’re really beautiful and I’ve always loved swans. Nope. I got skunk and opossum – among others – but those two really stood out to me. At the time I did the Totem Animal spread, I really did not know very much about animals (and for the sake of simplicity, when I say animals I include insects, reptiles, etc.). I started with my nine animals and learned them. In learning about those animals, I understood characteristics in myself. Then I started really paying attention to what was happening in nature around me, picking up on signs and messages. And through the years have learned a lot about many animals.

Whether we look to animals, trees, flora, the weather – nature if full of beauty and symbology. We can take this to help us make sense of the world around us, help us get through our day or a difficult situation, or just brighten our mood in general with its beauty and energy.