Happy belated New Years! I had a very tough start to 2020. With much sadness, my father passed away in January. I had planned a trip to see him, and timing was everything. The last I had heard just before leaving to go out was that he was coming home from the hospital on Tuesday, and I was arriving the day before. But that was not what happened. I knew his health was declining, but I was blindsided by his passing. Ultimately, I am so very grateful that I was there at that time.
My grief took such an unexpected path. My work in Hospice has provided an education not only in death, but in grieving. The grief I experienced with my mother’s passing was not at all comparable to this. With her passing, I felt so totally lost. I felt such an enormous void, not only in my life and heart but with my spirituality. Thanks to Hospice (even though Mom had not been in Hospice they still helped) and Fr. John, I worked though these voids.
My grief now has affected me more on a global level. If global is the right word. I’m still very much processing it all. I am profoundly sad. My father was always there, even though he was on the other side of the country. He was my direct connection to all I’ve been in this life. To my childhood and claim to Arizona, to my sense of restlessness and wanderlust.
Another global aspect of my grief is how we carve out these lives for ourselves. How each one of us strives to mean something, not only to our loved ones but to matter and to be a part of all this. And we do, we create these relationships and areas of importance – whether it be to our families, our church, or jobs, friends… – and then we’re gone. To what avail? Besides a few people, who will your life matter to?
All this sounds so dark, but I am acutely aware of the duality it all represents. We have this life, this precious life and it’s up to us what and how we live it. What we create for ourselves, and how we experience and enjoy the richness of possibilities. Perhaps we should live life more hedonistically, actively seeking pleasures (and we should!). But then the Buddhist nature points out and directly confronts suffering. Again, this duality. So just as I sit with my grief, my thoughts go around and they explore.
In this month of Valentines love, my wish for you this month is to feel so loved. To realize what a beloved child of the Universe you are! And to love and to be loved!
From My Heart to Yours~
December 27, 2020 by whisperinghoop
From my heart to yours!
I haven’t written since February, and what a year it has been. There were many times I had thought to send an email out and would even start to formulate my thoughts. But my energy was lacking. After returning from AZ for my father’s funeral in March, I sort of withdrew. Covid was a contributing factor too! I retuned and was right in the middle of working in the community and navigating a pandemic. Thankfully, and I believe because of diligent efforts, no one in my department got sick. And just when I started to consider going to the hair salon, there was a dramatic surge again. I told my brother that I don’t know how a year could take so long to get through yet fly by at the very same time. He speculates it’s that we didn’t have our usual events that mark a year. Beit the 4th of July get togethers, vacations, or the usual birthday celebrations. These social occurrences marks places in our lives and in the year, and this year we didn’t do these things.
While I am one who’s routine life remained relatively the same, I did enroll at CSM this year and am working towards a degree. Wow! It has been hard and stressful – and yes, fun too. With different changes at work (a lot of those) I contemplated a couple of different career paths (still with Hospice/MedStar), and I had some very big and good revelations. I realize I really love being bedside and having direct patient care. While I don’t think I’ll graduate before I retire, I am really enjoying getting this education. Thank you MedStar!
Christmas has come and gone, and I’m sure for most it was different. It was for me too. But there was a lot of good, very good, with this Christmas. A very dear friend and Hoop Sister stopped by my house just before Christmas. After a quick but very wonderful visit with her as she was leaving she said, “from my heart to yours.” I was so struck with that endearing statement. The only other person who has ever said that to me was a very dear patient that I had the honor of caring for before he passed the very same day she visited. At the end of each of his visits he would pat his chest at his heart and then reach for my hand and say, “from my heart to yours”, and I would do the same to him and we’d hold hands. May he be at peace with his beloved.
So now we’re looking at 2021. One of my sister-in-law’s said she wants to have a New Years Eve party with a big target that reads “2020” and everyone can shoot it or destroy it in any way they choose. While that might seem fun in some ways because dear God it has been an unbelievably tough year, I have no illusions that January 1, 2021 will bring any dramatic change. So, I am looking forward to 2021. I have a lot to be very thankful for. I will be getting the vaccine very soon now, and hopefully in the next several months this Covid pandemic will mostly be a bad memory for all of us. I sincerely wish you peace, good health, and much success in the New Year. From my heart to yours~
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