Archive for January, 2012

As I’ve already said, grieving is such an individual process. And a process it is. I am astonished at how much I’m still working through. I always knew when my mother passed that it would be exceptionally hard on me. I’ve never had someone so close to me die. So I’ve never grieved to this degree. Don’t laugh, but when my lovebird, Peaches, died that had been the hardest loss I had experienced. So I’m lucky, in that regard.

I really expected some sort of contact with her. After all, look at the path I’ve taken this life. But there has been nothing. Just complete emptiness. So terrible is the void that I even question my beliefs. My grief counselor at Hospice has referred me to a local minister to speak about my confusion and feelings now. How can I be a minister and now doubt everything?

Today I practiced what I preach – I sat and meditated. I never meditate the same way, I always let the method unfold as I go. Today I played a favorite cd (music) and sat in quietness. Despite Winnie’s attempts at getting me to play, or pet her, or her barking at imagined threats, I was able to quickly go to a nice space.

I quickly said a prayer for Julie, as she had to put her beloved pet down today. I asked God to wrap her and her family in comforted love, as well as her dog.  I could “see” this happening, yet when I then asked God to wrap me in comfort and love, I felt isolated and alone. I have never believed in a punitive God, so I don’t think this is God’s way of shunning me because of my questioning my spirituality.

I just don’t know. and I’m very tired. Tired of not knowing things. Tired of being confused about what to do with myself/life now. I’ve made decisions that I am honoring, yet that is not where my heart is. I figure that it’s best not to make any decisions while I’m still so muttled in my mind.


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I cannot believe that we are on the cusp of ending yet another year, and beginning the new one. Reflecting on 2011 is something I can sum up in one word – bittersweet.  Losing my mother this year was an exceptionally hard thing. Grieving is such an individual process, something I hadn’t done to this depth before. So I’m really learning a lot from all of this. What is surprising is that I am still learning from her. Not that she’s in another realm passing along info, I wish! Rather, when I miss and think of her I try to do something from that memory or thought.  I use this to motivate myself to be more, to be better, to live now and not stay stuck in that memory or my sadness.
2011 was a 9 year for me (in numerology), meaning I’ve been wrapping up some things. Pondering this energy for this year is interesting, when some things that have happened this year feel like they’re just beginning.  So 2012 is a one-year, the beginning of a new nine-year cycle. And yep, it’s all about starting new. I most definitely feel this energy as a major influence in my life, my thoughts, and my desires for what lies ahead of me now.
I am looking forward to 2012, and see what lies in my journey. Whether it’s my personal life, my relationships, my jobs – whatever aspect in my life I’m focusing on, I do know there will be changes. Namaste~

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Michele asked if I would write a little piece on the numerology of 2012. Yep, we are entering in the infamous year of 2012. What this will ultimately mean, I don’t know but we can take a look at what it means in numerology. Within numerology there are many different ways to look at these numbers, and many different combinations we could work with, but for the sake of this conversation I am working only with the year number of 2012. Meaning this will be an underlying influence to the energy for everyone this year, regardless of your personal year number or any other factor.

If we look at just the number 2012 we come up with the number 5 (2+0+1+2=5). The number 5 is such a free-spirited number. The key words of Five are: risk-taking, rebellious, forward movement, progress, change, versatility, flexibility – it is the freedom lover. Let’s also take a look at the symbology of the number five: we have to acknowledge the five physical senses, we have five fingers, and it is highly steeped in many religions. The five wounds of Jesus, the book of Psalms is arranged in five books, the Torah contains five books, Muslims pray to Allah five times a day, the universe is made up of five classic elements, and in Reiki there are the 5-Precepts. I like looking at the symbology surrounding a number to help give a more-well rounded feel to its number.

So looking at this theme for 2012 we can sum it up that we can expect some dynamic changes, perhaps a little unpredictability because five represents a restless intensity which wants to express itself in some bold and impulsive ways. Definitely some surprises, and you must be willing to take risks this year. After all, it may hold some lucky breaks! I would expect an air of spirituality to the year, given the symbology stated above. Which, regardless of your personal year number, we all will enjoy a little free-spiritedness this year.

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